Thursday, 16 June 2016

A Cautionary Tale...

Being a writer - and an exercise intolerant one at that! - means I spend a large part of my working day sitting on my derriere. As a result, I'm now the owner of one rather generously upholstered backside. 

Oh dear! What should I do to counteract the heft?

a) Overcome my dislike of perspiration, and start exercising.
b) Emulate Clan Kardashian and post lots of scantily clad images of myself all over social media... alienating all my friends and followers.
c) Try out some dodgy food tip I found on the internet.

I think you all know me well enough by now to guess what I chose. That's right. I plumped for option C.  (Yes, for a reasonably intelligent person, I can be incredibly thick and gullible at times!) But what to choose? I needed something that would burn through blubber at a rate of knots.

Something like celery, for example. 

People have been banging on at me for ages, extolling the virtues and benefits of this, apparently, super vegetable. Negative calories? Sign me up.

There's just one teeny tiny snag... I hate celery. (And I always will, especially after today's debacle!) Still, if it helped redistribute the butt upholstery a bit, it'd be worth it. So I went out and bought myself a big fresh clump... cluster of Devilwort and broke off the nicest looking stick.

BIG mistake #1 
Right away, that horrid disinfectanty smell hit me in the back of the throat. There was excessive salivation, and not because I was hungry! Hoisting my big girl panties a little higher, and scolding myself for behaving like a child, I took a big crunchy bite of the Devilwort. 

BIG mistake #2 Why did no one think to tell me that celery is indestructible? Chew, chew, chew, chew... 

Nothing's happening! Nasty taste infinitely worse than the nasty smell. (I gagged at this point)

Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew... (Mastication useless. Just swallow the damn thing.) Gulp. 

HUGE mistake! My stomach folded its arms, shook its head, and went 'Uh-uh I don't think so, missy' and tried to return to sender. Gulping down half a glass of water helped wash it on its way.

One bite down. Several more bites to go.

To cut a long, disgusting, story short, I managed to eat/swill down a whole stick of celery, but I won't be eating any more of the evil stuff. I almost barfed several times, and my throat started closing up. Hours later, and I'm still burping it up. Never again. I'd rather exercise, or eat cat food.

So, CAN celery aid weight loss? 

Definitely. But I think I'll hang on to my upholstery for a bit longer and find some less revolting way to deal with my comeliness. 


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